Self-awareness has always been a fancy word just thrown around to me. The concept that I had to take time to slow down and spend time with myself and my own thoughts was just very strange as it felt like I could be using that time to do more interesting things. I mean, after all, I had spent my whole life with myself what was there that was yet to be discovered?
That was until I was forced to actually stay with myself, with my thoughts with nowhere to escape to. That was during quarantine. After consuming and memorizing the whole of Youtube and watching all the movies to have ever existed I ran out of things to do I guess. Subconsciously, I think I have always been afraid of facing myself and getting real with myself, I probably was not ready to accept reality yet. But this time fuelled by boredom I started to ask myself some important questions that I have always had but never got down to actually come up with answers that satisfy me.
I was going through a hard time with university, friendships, family, myself, my own expectations. It felt like the life I had planned for myself ever since I was young was not going according to plan. I felt lost directionless and around me, it seemed as if everyone had everything figured out while I did not. I was in a continuous state of anxiety that caused me to always blame myself for a lot of stupid things. I felt lacking as a person as if I did not try hard enough, I really gave myself a hard time and put a lot of pressure on myself. I was trying to reach perfection I guess. I could never accept failure and the idea of me not being naturally good at different things on the first try was troubling for some reason, I expected too much out of myself and hated myself when I did not fulfil the crazy expectations I set up for myself.
I set out on a mission to understand where my unhappiness stemmed from and what could be done to actually do something about it. Google. I googled everything and everything. I did personality quizzes, I consulted tarot cards, I fell into astrology, I read about philosophy from the western to the eastern school of thought, I researched different religions, learnt art movements…. I honestly oversaturated my brain with a lot of information. But this was not a bad thing, even though I probably do not remember half of the things I looked up but I was picking up little things here and there, and those little answers helped me paint a kind of bigger picture in a way. They were like pieces of a puzzle that came together to put everything into perspective.
I may not believe all the suggestions on self-improvement that I got, but even those that I did not agree on have been important for me to know as they eliminated a possibility, so they helped me narrow down my sense of self. I started asking myself some questions and actually trying to genuinely find the answers without bullshitting myself. Because what did I have to gain from it if I was not honest and straight with myself?
But self-awareness is not even reserved for emotional or sentimental cases, it can also be about your aesthetic, your taste in movies or songs, your favourite foods or wine, whether you feel better travelling by train or by car. Different little aspects of your life.
As I was eliminating some choices, I was gaining some alternatives. I learnt that I actually like pink as a colour and that I prefered vanilla to chocolate ice cream. I discovered that I actually did not feel comfortable in some of my clothes and that my menstrual cycle actually affected my mood all month long. I realized that I was clumsy and always knocking myself against doors and that I felt mentally better in a clean environment. Very random things I know but to give you the idea of how simple it can be, it doesn’t have to start on the bigger questions about the universe or faith or love. It can just be in the satisfaction of realizing that you like perfumes with a delicate smell more than musky smells. A very simple answer and a cool thing to know about yourself no, but important nonetheless as now that you are out shopping you have narrowed the options available to something that you will enjoy more.
When you do not know yourself, when unfortunate events happen you tend to fall into a pit of self-pity, victimizing yourself in a way and blaming it on your bad luck or even curse yourself for your shortcomings. But Self awareness is also understanding your humanity. As a person, you are just that, a person. There are some things you can do and some that you can not and it is okay we are not superman. So sometimes we set up expectations and force ourselves to meet them, or we do not want to disappoint people who put us on a pedestal, and sometimes these expectations are unrealistic or very hard to achieve. But when you understand your limits, you plan accordingly also putting into consideration that you might actually not succeed as you wish. Also, the pressure from other people becomes less deafening and a voice that is further and further, again you are doing your own thing so who are they to know better than you what you actually want?
When you know what you like and who you are or want to be, you also kind of gain an understanding that what you are going for is maybe not what everyone else is going for. And that is okay too. Let’s say that you want to learn how to paint, like a normal young adult living with friends you will probably go to one of your friends and ask them if they want to go to art lessons with you and if they say no you will feel discouraged and probably quit. But when you know that it is something you like and have been wanting to try it out for a long time, it gives you the courage to go on your own and do it. So you find that it is easier to try new things even if you do them alone as long as you enjoy them. The lonely feeling surprisingly never comes as you are actually proud of yourself at that moment to remember that you are alone.
Up to then, things happened to me, it just never registered in me to analyze whether they are what I wanted or if I enjoyed them. But now I tend to ask myself after listening to a song or trying something new, did you like it? and sometimes it is yes, sometimes it is no and I register it for future purposes and next time the same scenario comes up I do not have to force myself to do things for the sake of doing them if I do not enjoy it and that is it. Even for cases like shopping, I feel that as I gain a more understanding of myself I know what type of clothes I want and need so I do not have to buy a bunch of things that will end up in my closet never to be seen again. I shop with a mental picture of where and how I might use them. I still have a long way to go here though, piano piano. But the bottom line is, self-awareness is also a form of saving money, as you know what needs to be done and plan accordingly.
Also being aware of my humanity made me become kinder to myself because why did I expect myself to be perfect all the time while I did not expect the same from the people I love, I embraced them in their mistakes so why was I giving myself a hard time over something I would not make a big deal if it had been done by someone else. Also forgiving yourself and being kind to yourself as a result of self-awareness, realizing that you are just a person who has fears and fucks up sometimes is part of knowing yourself. You learn your weaknesses and adjust them accordingly because before having a one on one with yourself you do not understand how or where you are weak. But after reflecting on it you understand and also understand where to improve. That is a good feeling to have, feeling like you are getting better.
So as a conclusion, I am young and there is a lot I do not understand about the world. I have a lot of questions that I probably won’t ever have the answers to and a lot of moments in life to come that will overwhelm me, but one thing is for sure, I will go through all those moments by myself. Of all the uncertainties in the world, one thing is for sure, as much as I can share myself and spend with people, at the end of the day It's just myself and my thoughts. There is nowhere I can escape from myself. So why not eventually take time to self discover, learn and experience things and get better, not for the sake of others but for myself?
Tips on self-reflecting, What kind of works for me?;
-Meditation, I feel like as a society we make too much fun of meditation ignoring how useful it can be. Just being there, feeling yourself there in the moment, when you are alone with yourself forced to just be present. It is a great way to connect with yourself.
-Music: finding songs that speak to me is one of life’s joys. When the words of a song seem to be made for the situation that you are going through and you put it on repeat to listen to the song again. The words make you relate back to your own life and through that, you reach some conclusions while listening to good songs. A win-win situation I’d say. Also personally, the best part about songs that speak to me is their comment section, strangers who seem to be going through the same thing as you, maybe it was 5 years ago or yesterday but to me, it is very comforting not feeling alone at that moment.
-Working out: I hate working out but honestly it is also one of those activities where you are forced to be present and in the moment so you get some feelings off your chest.
-Journaling: to me, this has been the best discovery of all, I love writing things down and going back and seeing just how much I have changed as a person. Sometimes I laugh at how petty and ridiculous I sounded, sometimes I am happy that past me was excited about some things but it is always fun revisiting myself after a while.
-Therapy: honestly talking it out with somebody and feeling heard without judgement is one of the best ways to grow as a person. But therapy is not in the books for everyone so maybe some other forms of it like talking to friends or lovers or family can be a way to say out loud what you think and once it is out you think about it really and realize that maybe you are right or not.
-Hobbies: whether it is dancing, drawing, reading, swimming… I feel like doing something peaceful that you enjoy is also a way of discovering yourself in a way. These are things that bring joy to you and you are also in the moment concentrating on that thing so you can hear yourself think.
-Learning: I love learning new things so whenever I gain some new information it makes me feel like I am growing as a person and expanding my knowledge. And when I randomly reflect on the things that I learnt after I end up linking them to my day to day life thinking of all the what-ifs. I do not know exactly if it is a form of self-awareness but it definitely is part of self-growth.
Obviously, this varies from person to person, we should all find what works for us.
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